So.... i'm not very good at thinking up meaningful titles

Well after all the fights and bs with steven lately, i have finally given up hope that we will ever work and that i can ever be with him again.

I thought it could, and would work out for us. I've been trying all week to make things better. But when he walks out. On another road trip for 4 days when he's only been back for 3 days. I can't handle it any more and i don't want to. I don't want to be with someone who isn't going to spend any time with me when i'm paying for all their food and rent.

And no shit, i only found out about this road trip at 8:30pm last night, the night before he had to go. He only found out 10 minutes before that. Now who wouldn't tell their boss to shove it up their.... if they found out that late. On top of that, he had time to text a work mate about it and not me, he told me and his he was taking today off work so we could spend time together (it's my weekend), he told me and his boss (and HIS boss) he wouldn't be doing any more road trips (this is the second he has gone on since then). On top of THAT we agreed he would pay for rent and food, it's been two weeks and he owes me $220 in rent and $60 for food.

So i really see no point in trying for this worthless shit. I think it's time to move on (or perhaps back)

I've been having a dream lately to move to England anyway. Maybe i will go work there for awhile after my apprenticeship. Might meet a guy with a hot European accent too XD

This thing called the 'hate bug'

I'm going to call it the hate bug or depression bug. The brief, and not so brief snippets of my friends lives i have seen lately has lead me to believe we all have the Hate Bug and i think we all need to go to rehab. aka all run away to a place with barely anything, set up tent and just have fun for a few days.

Though i don't think it will be for awhile. maybe, if we can plan something then maybe we can all get through this together knowing that we all have something good to look forward to. together.

Though i suppose i sound positive and a little happy right now. i'm not. this is exactly what you see when i'm struggling to cope. I'm even starting to lose my composure at work now. And after another horrible fight with steven last night, i just hate myself more.

It's hard digging yourself out of a hole when you can't see the top.

Sometimes

It just gets all too much. I'm sick of pretending. sick of lying. I can't keep this false mask of security. It's too hard now.
I'm not ok
I'm not happy

i'm completely alone in this stupid world and no one cares a little bit.
I have no friends, i have no family i can see.

those friends i did have are all gone. No one talks to me anymore. no one asks me to hang out, or go to the movies, to have a sleepover. I haven't been to a party in ages. No one's invited me.

And if i removed all the people who would actually talk to me on facebook, i would say i would have less than 10 people left there. And not even all them would talk to me, they are just people i would leave in a kind of respect.

hell in the last 2 weeks. As far as i can remember. I have only got texts from 4 different people and 1 phone call. Call from my mum, texts from Mum, Dad, my 'boyfriend'/room mate and matthew.

pretty sad.

and i think the only people to talk to me on facebook has been my dad, mum and matthew.

i love my job. but nothing else is worth it. i'm miserable. i'm alone. and i'm sick of kidding myself that my life is going to end up better, that i'm going to make up for having done nothing. i know it's not.